A tragic case recently in the news out of Long Island, New York, shows the serious challenges that arise when families face the reality of an adult child who never “launched.”
In this case, a 95-year-old woman’s will left her estate divided among her four children and authorized the executor to evict her 59-year-old son, who had been living in her home, so the $900,000 house could be sold. The son would have inherited a quarter of the proceeds. However, after her death, when the siblings gathered at the house for a family meeting to discuss the sale with a realtor, the son killed his siblings, a niece, and then himself. When the realtor arrived at the meeting, the street was closed with police tape.
This heartbreaking event illustrates the dangers of not addressing difficult family dynamics while the parent is still alive. When one child remains dependent on the parent, it is vital to plan for the future to minimize the risk of conflict and protect all family members. As an Elder Law attorney in Boston, I have helped families navigate these delicate situations. Here are some important considerations if you are facing similar challenges:
The Importance of Addressing Family Dynamics While You Are Alive
It’s natural for parents to want to protect their children, but ignoring the reality of an adult child’s dependency can leave a terrible burden on surviving siblings. As difficult as it may be, it is critical to plan for the future and address these family dynamics while you are still alive. In some cases, not doing so can lead to family disputes, resentment, and, in tragic situations like this one, even violence.
When an Adult Child Becomes a Caregiver
Not all adult children who live with their parents fall into the “never launched” category. Many adult children step up to take on caregiving roles, allowing their parents to age in place and avoid moving into an assisted living facility or nursing home. This can be an enormous gift, and if you have a child who has provided this support, you may want to consider compensating them in your estate plan or meeting with an Elder Law attorney to discuss gifting a remainder interest or equity in your home before you die. In these situations, clear communication with your other children is key to avoiding future disputes and ensuring everyone understands the decisions you make.
When the Adult Child Isn’t Really a Caregiver
On the other hand, there are many cases where an adult child continues living at home but does not contribute much to the household, financially or otherwise. These children may claim to be “taking care of” the parent, but in reality, they may rely on the parent for support. If you have a child in this situation, it’s important to consider what will happen to them when you are gone.
One of the best ways to address this may be to move out of the home yourself into an apartment, senior living community, or other situation where you can live independently.
If financially feasible, helping your child move into their own apartment or other living arrangement while you are still alive can be a way to encourage independence. If this is not possible, consider moving into an apartment together, where they can continue to live once you are gone.
If the child has a disability or mental health condition, now is the time to help them apply for Social Security or other government benefits to provide them with ongoing support. By helping them establish their independence now, you can avoid leaving your other children with the burden of handling the situation after your passing.
If you are not able to help them “launch” before you die, consider giving them a period of time to remain in the home after your death, setting aside money to hire someone to help them navigate the next steps, or giving them some extra money to help them obtain an apartment.
I have been involved in similar situations where one child struggled to face the fact that they must leave the family home. They tried to find an apartment in Boston, but because they had no income and no job, it was impossible to find a private landlord willing to rent to them, even considering they would be inheriting money.
Qualifying for housing subsidies, especially in big cities, can take a long time, sometimes years. Just because you are leaving your child money from the sale of the home does not mean that they will be able to find an apartment to rent. They could face homelessness.
Talk to your adult child about this, and help them to get on waiting lists for subsidized housing. You may need to leave this child more money than your other children, especially if your other children are thriving, to help your child find stability and adjust to the changes in their life and having to move out of your home.
Using Trusts to Protect Everyone
If your child is unlikely to be able to support themselves or manage an inheritance, there are legal tools available to protect both the child and your estate. One option is to establish a Supplemental Needs Trust (SNT) or a Discretionary Trust, which can provide financial support for your child without giving them unrestricted access to their inheritance.
These trusts can be especially useful if your child relies on government benefits, as they allow the child to receive financial support without disqualifying them from essential programs like Social Security or Medicaid. With the help of a professional trustee, the trust can ensure that your child’s needs are met while protecting your estate from poor financial decisions.
Have the Tough Conversations Now
No matter the situation, it’s critical to have open and honest conversations with your adult child about what will happen when you die. It can be difficult to face these realities, especially if your child has significant challenges, but preparing them for this transition can save your family from conflict and heartache later on.
Bringing in professional help, whether it’s a financial advisor, legal expert, or therapist, can ensure that your child understands the plan and is better prepared for life without your support.
Conclusion
The tragic case we’ve seen in the news shows how quickly things can spiral out of control when these issues are not addressed. It’s understandable that after a lifetime of caring for a dependent child, a parent may feel drained and unsure of how to move forward, especially in this case; the woman was 95 years old and had probably dealt with her son’s mental illness for a long time. But taking action now, while you are still here to make decisions, can prevent a tragic situation from happening after you’re gone.
Senior Solutions, Attorneys at Law, is an Estate Planning and Elder Law firm serving the Greater Boston, Massachusetts area since 2001. We are ready to help you with Medicaid Planning, Estate Planning, Probate, Guardianship & Conservatorships, Special Needs Trusts, and Fiduciary Services. We are here to help. Please call our office at 617-489-5900 or schedule a brief free consultation (offered to new clients) by clicking: https://seniorsolutions.as.me/FreeConsult
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